dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
