I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
