btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
