your thong is hanging out like whoa
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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