at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Randomize
