If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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