no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
