The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
