The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
