yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
