I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
