So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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