Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
