I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
