On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
It was a blind-side dick pic.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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