You made me cry and you don't even care
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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