Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
