Someone shit on the floor
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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