Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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