I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
