Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
