now i know why i became what i already was.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
