I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
How's work?
Spinning.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
