Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
