PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
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