I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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