ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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