Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize