you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
