I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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