and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Randomize
