we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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