i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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