She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
