Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
