it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
We need a shit load of segways right now
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
