so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Randomize