Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
