Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize
