This house was built for laser tag.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
