it's like russian roulette but with a penis
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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