nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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