I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Randomize
