By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
