I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
