You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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