He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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