You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
