Even water is tasting like jack daniels
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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