Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
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