well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
