You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
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