I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
