You just made me feel so damn special
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
