and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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