at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
