My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
