That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
