Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
