He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize