I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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