no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
