I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
