His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
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