Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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