i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
