How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
