Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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