got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
